Hope

"If your house was on fire and you had 60 seconds, what would you take? "

This question was in the movie Leap Year, a movie about a soon to be engaged, confused Boston girl meeting a country bartender come chef, an  Irish boy in a little town called Dingle. The girl is well educated, intellect but totally confused with what she was doing. She was actually going to propose to her four years old boyfriend in Dublin, inheriting an Irish myth which a girl proposing to boy would work well if its happened in a leap year Feb 29th day. A typical triangular romantic comedy. Not surprisingly a journey from Dingle to Dublin made them falling in love, the girl to abandon her engagement and the guy finally proposed to her in a nice rocky sea mountain cliff. 

Alright back to the question, if my house was on fire, what would I take? I thought about it. Nothing came to my mind. All I can think of are my external hard-disks and everything else I thought I can earn back sooner or later. That for a moment amused me. Two hard-disks of data is what all I got?  In a way I have nothing much to lose. When bush fire threatened almost a kilometer away from my home this year, the same thought occurred too.  I had nothing much to grab. Ofcourse I took my camera, iPad and few author autographed books, but nothing as important as one would think.

Other than the hope.

Emotional Breakdowns. Seriously?

 

There are days one feels, everything is blacked out. There wouldn’t be any reasons for it, but it just happens. Its like an opposite to big bang. Everything you do go nothing. That includes, time, space, mass and energy. You would have counted on them in your entire life right? Now imagine everything without time, space, mass and energy? That’s called nothing. An emptiness. Strange but I am witnessing it. How am I witnessing it? Its like sitting in the end of the universe and watch the universe collapsing. One by one. You feel bad for it. But you got nothing to do. You can’t go and stop the universe from collapsing. After all its a norm and its happening everywhere. Just that you feel bad because the one collapsing is yours. You can try rescuing it. But its like an ant trying to moon land. You won’t see a single ray of light, hope and future. Nothing can make you back yourself. Confused?. Forget it. Its a state of the mind. I quoted this saying more often already.

“A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought...alone”

Anyway its not smart to get bogged down and leave your emotions to take over your brain.  People try different things to overcome this. There was a time in Singapore. We were in a server room doing a massive project of our time and I was leading the team. Singaporeans are ruthless professionals. They would never give room for mistakes and if we commit, then they will make us count for it. So although I showed a brave face, I knew I was tensed and so did my team. The time was ticking and we all were working tirelessly and its about past midnight, as often the case, a team member made a blunder. A blunder would make us pay the heavy price. We needed to sort it out sooner. The atmosphere was becoming vulnerable and could break anytime. What did I do to cool things down? I just went to restroom. Spent 10 minutes there humming an A R Rahman song. If I recall it correct, it was “Malargale Malargale”. Soon I realised it wasn’t a blunder but a small hiccup and there is an immediate plan B available too. We did it and we got through the situation. Hmm. One of those days.

But humming a song and going to restroom wouldn’t always help. It depends on the nature of the problem you are in. If you are emotionally down, listening to a song may not usually help. It makes things worse. Because songs make you soft and innocence.  Going to Gym is a superb alternative. A physical hardship can surpass the pain of emotional breakdowns. If it doesn’t then you can try to do more push-ups, or increase the speed of the treadmill or something. But the issue is, you can’t live in the Gym for ever. The moment you do the stretches and cool offs, that’s it, emotions will gradually take you over.

Another option is driving. Driving alone especially. It can bring peace, no doubt about it. But its bit dangerous if you get insane and go out of your mind. Its not something advisable to everybody. But it definitely helps and lot of my friends do it and would agree with me I am sure.

That leaves me two other options. My favourite options. Reading and Writing. When Harsha, Sayanthan and I went to Nepal together, we used to read a lot. In the trains, in the planes, hotel rooms and even sitting besides the beautiful Pokra lake, we were reading most of the times. Imagine a level of peace you will feel when reading at the middle of surrounded Himalaya ranges. Reading is meant for that. Not everybody can read and feel. And I always feel blessed to have that habit. And I get jealous with people like Sayanthan and Harsha. Sayanthan reads two books a week. That’s the amount of time he spends on reading. A quote in The Namesake says “That's the thing about books. They let you travel without moving your feet.”

Then I have my writing! Writing gives me a sense of engagement to a topic, makes me doing a bit of research and study. I would think about the format and design of the post. And I will just get drained while doing it. The aftermath effect of writing will last for at least a couple of days for me. And that with the combination of things above, I can usually get through the problems without anybody’s helps. It doesn’t really matter for me whether the post get read by others or not. Last week I wrote a story, I was initially satisfied with it then went on to published it. The very next day, the story didn’t look justifiable to me. It didn’t bring any value to a common reader. A reader will only get confused with the plot other than enjoying the witty dialogues. It doesn’t deserve a publishing. Result? Deleted It!

There are times, none of above works,. The writing wouldn’t move beyond the first line. Its tough. In these situations we got only way out. As we strive to make it through, hearing the wisdom of others who struggled, suffered and even murdered can make our journey easier. Its ironical but it makes us think, we put in through nothing but a small glitch in our lives. Whenever I think about the book “Still Counting The Dead”, I feel exactly the same. My issues are nothing but stupid emotional confusions. These people have lost their land, life, loves and pretty much everything. They starved for weeks if not months, their infant babies got killed while breast feeding. Loved ones lost their lives in front of them. People get raped, kidnapped and killed.  And I am having my happy meals everyday, not having to worry about getting killed when I step out of my beautiful home, still worry about something. Go to hell me.

I was shell shocked after finished reading the book, was wondering how Francis Harrison, the author of the book could manage to hold herself together to come up with such a epic non-fiction of true stories. So I sent her message.

Dear Ms Francis Harrison,
It’s been three weeks since I finished reading "Still Counting The Dead".
of-course the reading was a painful exercise, which I wanted to experience to its fullest effect. I felt I shared the pain of Gowris', Ushas', Nirons' and Manimozhis' when reading it. It hurts, it kills, and it makes me guilty while reading each and every word in the book.
I may have been well settled here in Australia, sitting in front of my machine and typing this email, feeling blessed to have survived and be safe.
But as an ordinary Tamil, it also makes me feeling responsible for the atrocities happened and happening to the very same people. Would I have done something different to prevent this? I donno.
I cried when I read that it wasn't a palmyrah fruit but the head of an infant child. I was in the train. People were surprised and one kind lady offered me a tissue. It wasn't embarrassing. The same thing happened too when I read about the dead mom breast feeding her baby. I wonder how you managed to pull it off without breaking down.
Thanks a lot Francis, hoping to see you in March here in Melbourne. I did try to write a snippet of this book in my blog too but in Tamil.
Hope justice will prevail one day.
Regards,
JK

Her kindness, replied immediately.

the dying mum breastfeeding is my worst bit too of the whole book.
Thanks for your kind message - these contacts with readers make all the difference in what has been a lonely and FRUSTRATING road!
see u in Melbourne then I hope - come and introduce yourself please!
f

I have no complains what so ever with my life anymore. And I am meeting her today!

God's Coming!

The odometer almost touching 140 mark.  But he didn’t notice. He didn’t realise how fast he was going. There was nobody in the road. It was a deserted out creek drive with full of livestock farms around. Its the first day of the autumn season. One could see the bush fire affected remnants all over the places. It wasn't hot, but the nature made it looking hot. He turned off the AC and lowered the window glasses. It was windy and noisy. Strayed grasses were flying into the car. He raised the glasses back and turned on the airflow. Put the music back on. “You couldn’t stop if you tried it, you have built your wall so high”, Labrinath was singing. Enough is enough and its time to move on. He thought. He banged the “Next” button to change the song. The song now playing is ”Show me the meaning of being lonely”. “You gotta be kidding” he thought. He stopped the music. It was quiet. It brought peace to mind and in fact silence did sound better. It was bit scary but tinged with love. He liked it. He went with the rhythm of silence. It was pacy. He had to speed it up. He pushed the accelerator. It was 140, 150, increasing. The song of silence couldn't get any slower he thought. He pushed hard. even harder and harder.

“Oh boy .. hang on .. you have no idea where you going”

He was taken by the surprise voice. He turned to his left. Its a guy. With his night pyjamas bottom and topless out look. And wearing sun glasses. Was he wearing a hat? It wasn't so sure. It could be his hair, it could be his head. He got a Heineken beer can in his hand. The guy was totally strange and looked out of character.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I am the god”

“There you go again” he thought. Gods appearing in one’s weakest moments will do no good he realised. He needs to get away from god somehow. He knew it isn’t easy. Gods love to look like solving problems only to make them worse. By the look of this god, he didn't appear different either too. What on earth a guy  would wear night pyjamas bottom and sun glasses? … Then calling himself a god.

“Alright … you wanna lift? You wanna get down somewhere?”

“Then this will be the last car I would hop in. I am here to help you buddy”

“Oh gimme a break … God given me such a brain, I can get through this or rather get used to this”

“I don’t think so … Its not in my excel sheet”

“What is not in your excel sheet?”

“That you have such a brain”

“You telling me you guys use excel sheet to maintain these lists? For Christ's sake, I can fix it you know .. I program, therefore I am”

“Ah I know, Another lifeless chicken programmer … you know what? you have a problem, shall we talk about it?”

Gods always get to the point sooner or later. Getting away from gods is as hard as getting away from your girl in the mind. He decided for once and all lets sorted this out and move on.

“Alright .. here we go .. Lets talk”

“Can you first reduce this goddamn speed please? its touching 160 mark. I don’t know about you. But I have so much to do in my life”

“Like what? Giving all the troubles to mankind so that they can come and look for you? The saviour?”

“May be … But just stop pushing that accelerator”

“No way … I am going in a good rhythm … it suits to this song. Get on with it”

“Alright you chose your own fate, I just keep monitoring … End of the day I can’t change it”

“Yeah … that sounds like Eric Sollheim … anyway back to the topic”

God clears his throat. Took his tablet and checked something. First he frown, then winked a bit and all of a sudden he started laughing. He was annoyed with god’s reactions.

“What?”

“Nothing … you are in a serious problem but not too sure what it is”

“May be I am gonna smash the car somewhere you think?”

“Nah .. you are not than insane …. yet. But I think something bothering in your mind”

“Clever .. Never seen a god this clever .. honestly”

“Alright .. get to the bottom now. Who is she?”

“Wish I know…”

“So you don’t even know who is she, but you are bothered. That’s kinda funny”

“Mmm .. well I know her at least I think I know her, but not too sure whether does she really know that I know her”

“Did you ever tell this exact statement to her before?”

“Nope”

“Thank god, that would have been disaster. It got so many grammar mistakes.”

“Go to hell .. seriously .. doesn’t matter whether you are god or evil. Just go to hell”

“Calm down buddy… So you work hard for her but she doesn’t .. Is that right”

“I don’t know I work hard enough, I don’t even know I deserve her but yeah she doesn’t care any of these”

“So she likes you”

“Not a single cent, she doesn’t care .. She doesn’t feel the way I do”

“But love is not a feeling but an ability”

“Crap .. Its a feeling .. its like a rain drop in the middle of a desert”

“And then why the hell you go to the middle of a desert, Have you been to Amazon rainforests, there are drops everywhere .. it pours my boy”

“You know what .. You don’t get this, never will. I feel if she opens up a bit, if she gives it a chance, she may like me …”

“That’s what you think … The fact that she hasn’t given it a chance, may be she doesn’t want to.. she may have a better person in her mind. Someone who doesn’t … may be write?”

“Ouch … May be … But I know if she gets pass that first hurdle, I could be the one. There is no reason why she shouldn’t like me”

“There you go … that’s what called illusory superiority … overestimating your ability much higher  than average”

“Yeah I figured it out … so you think I may not be the guy … for her”

God is now confused. God is more of a philosopher than a problem solver. He hates being asked this sort of questions. He tries to shoulder arm such deliveries. But this was straight into his rib-cage. He had to respond.

“Well … may be or not, it doesn't really matter. Life would still move on and there is nothing called “the guy” and “the girl”. These things just happen you know”

“But how come it happens to me but her?”

“How do you know it doesn't happen to her?”

“If I say “Hi how are you?, she replies only “gud”. Onetime it was “god”.

“Oh my god, don’t say it was a typo.. and she ever greets you back?”

“Mhmm .. may be after a day … But with the exception of Good Morning messages”

“What? …  she replies to your good morning messages instantly?”

“Na na .. it never comes ever”

God cannot control his laugh this time.

“So every day in the morning you send her a good morning message and get no replies from her”

“Mhmm”

“That’s clingy … Girls don’t like it, if they do, they would reply .. stop doing it”

“Thought about it … then realised its the only way I can express I am thinking about her. Is it too old fashioned?”

“So what happens, you send a good morning and may be good night one .. that’s it? two messages a day for her and no replies from her end?”

“Well, there could be an occasional smiles and Mmms from her … If I am lucky”

“And you live for that?”

“Not really … may be .. oh yea that will make my day.”

“Oh boy .. you are in serious trouble”

“ Of-course I know I am… so tell me where is it going?”

“There is a saying “You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”

“That doesn’t answer the question my god”

“Yeah I know … The only person who can answer this is she. Not even god. Better ask her directly”

“That would be suicidal, she may just switch off everything if I ask. Damn I know it”

“Well, obviously you know her a lot … I suggest you keep going and be honest to yourself. One day who knows, miracles happen”

“And you will help me?”

“Being a god .. No I can’t. Gods don’t change the fate. If its meant to be, you will get her. But being a friend I would be interested in helping you, thus driving the fate. She looks like a good girl. She is choosy yeah but it could work well”

“That’s it man .. that’s what killing.. I know it will work but”

“Yes but … to get any of these things happened, you really need to slow down. Take off the foot from that goddamn accelerator first”

He did. And the odometer gone down from 160, 150, 140, 130, 120, 110 and 100.

“It can be 110 man .. this is out country”

“That’s alright. Safety first. I am not catching any train.”

God smiled. He turned the music on. It was Shania Twain this time. “From this moment on, life has begun”. He smiles back to god.

“When I played, it was pathos, when you do, its encouraging.. ”

“That’s why I am god… So now you believe in me?”

“Always believed you. Just that..”

“Just that?”

“I don’t like your outfits!”

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I can’t reach it!

 

Yesterday found this amazing video of a desperate kid trying to reach to moon. Taken aback by the freshness and the innocence in this kid, I watched this video again and again. Interestingly a NASA employee must have seen this video, now invited the girl to have a visit to their lab to see how close she can reach to the moon.

 

Stay foolish and stay hungry was what all Steve Jobs had to say to be successful in life. Its hard to stay foolish intentionally because one becomes smart at the very moment one thinks he or she is foolish. Contrarily we better try to be smart hence become fools. lol.

May be the best way is to be yourself without worrying too much about how others would judge us. Easier said than done. These days I at least try to be, then my own problem is I am not sure who exactly am I.